Jungle
The Marine: Unrated

The Marine

Movie
Studio(s): 
Director(s): 
On DVD: 
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Grade:
C-
Running Time: 
92 Minutes

John Cena is John Triton, a super mega beefcake of a marine who has trouble adapting to civilian life after being forcefully discharged from the marines.  To satisfy his need to stay active, he and his fantastically hot wife (ably played by Kelly Carlson) take a spontaneous road trip. Unfortunately, a pack of diamond thieves decide to make a pit stop at the same gas station as the two lovebirds. Like any good diamond thieves would, they knock out the hero and kidnap his woman, thus laying the foundation for the rest of the movie.

This movie is freaking awesome. There’s swearing, action, blood, some violence, and John Cena beating everyone up. He doesn’t take shit from anybody. The bad guys can try to run but he’s going to find them and put a world of hurt on their candy asses. He…oh hell, I can’t do this. The Marine may seem like the best thing since sliced bread to prepubescent boys who have been raised to mindlessly devour prepackaged “man” content but to the rest of the world it’s canned, predictable poop. I’m comparing this to other Styrofoam action movies mind you, so it’s pretty bad. Then again, if you’re a fan of professional wrestling this may just be your kind of action. If so, that’s fine and good for you. I’m just going to choose forget what I just saw. Except for Ms. Carlson, that is.

Whatever was “UNRATED” about this movie must have happened while I was…spontaneously comatose or something. Outside of fake blood smeared on a tree I can’t imagine what would be so amazingly objectionable. This movie is made to be partially kid friendly, even this version of it. After all, it’s from WWE Films, whatever the hell that is.

The special features aren’t too bad. There’s the ubiquitous behind-the-scenes featurette, which in this case includes clips from interviews and a look at some of the action scenes. Then there is the video coverage of the premiere of The Marine at Camp Pendleton, which is short but easily digestible. There are a number of TV spots and trailers as well, but the few “John Cena Features” are what got my attention. These four clips are each a few minutes long and give you a decent idea of John’s fanboy reverence for the armed forces as well as the rapport he has with our warring men and women. Even if it is for the sake of a simple action flick, these bits make for a welcome addition.

I’m not going to watch this again. Is it bad? I’m certainly going to say yes but that doesn’t mean that it’s not without its charm to a core WWE fanbase.

Review by Baron Aloha