Unfortunately, the first thing you notice when it loads up is that there’s only one dog actually present. Michael Madsen is the only actor from the original film to supply his likeness and voice. The rest of the cast looks like cartoony interpretations of the characters with voices that are the Hot Shots drill sergeant to Madsen’s GySgt. Hartman. Top that off with yesteryear’s graphics and action gaming mechanics that have some pretty hefty drawbacks and you’ll be wondering where the fun went after about an hour of play.

Basically you get to play through all the scenes you weren’t party to in the movie. Where did Mr. Pink stash the diamonds? You get to find out. How did Mr. Blonde run into his soon-to-be earless cop friend? Play and see. I have to award cool points for this. The beginning of the game takes place in the infamous hideout with you as Mr. Orange being trained by your peers to use the keyboard and mouse to rob a bank and take hostages. From there you play through the robbery, getaway, etc. as each of the characters.

I’ll lay into the graphics first. They’re not terrible but Max Payne 2 looks helluva better in just about every respect. How old is that game again? For example, a TV in this world is only the box frame for a shitty painting. The textures are on the mid-low end but are acceptable. The video settings menu basically consists of one option:

WOULD YOU LIKE GRAPHICS? YES / NO

The mid-level video output probably exists mainly because programming was done with console gaming in mind, as is evidenced in the menu system. Secondly, it’s so people with older computers can potentially play as well as the 1337 g4m3|25. I just gots ta ask; how can this game be so graphically simplistic and still take up 3.6 GB on my hard drive? Is Oblivion even that big? Jesus.

I just don’t understand what they were thinking for some of the gameplay mechanics. We’ll start with the basic functions. The environments are fairly detailed but lack interactivity. Barely anything in the game world can be directly manipulated outside of being shot. Glass and propane canisters will react as you would expect to gunfire, but just about every thing else gets no more than a bullet hole decal.

Well gosh golly, it’s time to improve your vocabulary, kids! Today’s phrase is:

Magic Dog Barrier (also Dog Barrier or MDB)

Once upon a magical time (2001) Konami released a game called Shadow of Destiny on the PS2. In it you had access to the downtown area of a large city by means of expansive roadways, though not all regions were open to you at one time. Instead, your access to various parts of the city randomly changed as you progressed. “So how did they decide to reasonably explain your inability to romp around these “off limits” areas with logic and practicality?” you ask. Did they set a tall vehicle or a pile of dirt or a brick wall or a “ROAD CLOSED” sign across the path so it would make sense that you couldn’t go any farther? Did they put up traffic cones with lettering that reads “OFF LIMITS”?

Of course not, instead they set a mangy dog in the middle of a street that’s 25 feet wide. If you get too close you get a cut-scene where the dog growls once and your character back off. Even if you try to cheat the system and jump past the dog, you hit an invisible wall.

The Dog Barrier label for the phenomenon of retarded limitations can be easily and readily applied to any invisible barrier that shouldn’t exist, or stretched further to include any laughably stupid restriction. You see, Baron makes learning fun!

Even though cops can scale fences to come after you, your Reservoir Dogs are unable to climb or even jump. As such, waist-high handrails are but one of the many weaknesses of professional diamond thieves. Others include car bumpers and the ubiquitous wooden crates. Another problem is the aim; these guys can’t. In most modern gun games the targeting reticule expands and collapses around a dot to show not only what you’re aiming at, but also the range the bullet could travel outside of your crosshairs. For most games, trying to fire at a dead run will have your reticule jump to about the size of a grapefruit, while standing still or crouching will reduce it to the size of a pin head. In Reservoir Dogs, it never falls below the size of a nickel. Since nobody has a head that big, firing toward someone’s face at point blank range still brings the possibility of a miss.

There’s a fairly simple system of disarming even aggressive S.W.A.T members by means of the hostage situation. You can take hostages, beating them if necessary, and intimidate the officers into dropping their weapons. Then you’re able to target the defenseless police (as with all unarmed people) and direct them with the mouse. If you order them against a wall and press the “threaten/neutralize” key, they will drop to their knees and face it. As far as I’ve found, this is only a terrible hassle as it takes forever for you to make one cop sit in time out. That’s the same forever that two of his buddies are shooting you from somewhere else. As such, it’s a pretty useless function.

Another feature with failed potential is the P / P system. The game is broken down to “chapters” in which you take control of a different character. The way you handle yourself determines how much of a rating you get as either a Professional or Psychopath. Look to the Seth and Richard Gecko of From Dusk Till Dawn for an example of actions that will land you points in the respective categories. There are different endings depending on how you score in both fields.

This seems like a neat little system until you try to be a professional and subdue police only through hostage-taking. I couldn’t make it work without wasting an extra 20 minutes on each level. Even if you order a cop to the corner, he’ll hop up and snatch his gun as soon as your back is turned. Then what? Do it again of course. That’s why I just capped everybody. I mean EVERYBODY. Cops? Dead. Hostages? Beaten, then snuffed. Pizza guy inexplicably hiding in this warehouse? Blam. No more problems. It’s as if the programmers offer the less brutal actions only to show you how impractical it is to NOT be a lunatic murderer. THIS GAME IS TEACHING OUR CHILDREN TO KILL!!1!1 Queue the Jesus family lawsuit against a game developer for making M-rated games that dare to depict violence in 3….2…..

There are also sequences that involve Crazy Taxi styled racing through town. Why these guys are having street races while they’re trying to hit a diamond exchange is beyond my reasoning abilities. Call me crazy, but tearing down a city street with two corpses and a street lamp dragging behind your car isn’t my definition of “low profile”.

This is only a one-time renter for some random fun. Are you looking for a great example of the action shooter genera? Just go play Max Payne 2. That is unless you also have an insatiable appetite for violence, cursing, not tipping, and a room full of guys who are named after colors. In that case, watch the real Reservoir Dogs while you play Max Payne 2.

-Baron has been a writer for Shakefire.com since 2006.  Contact him at baron@shakefire.com

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