Submitted by Jason Pace on Sunday, February 19, 2012 - 2:34PM
Disappointing on nearly every level, El Monstro del Mar! fails to deliver. It isn't scary. It isn't funny. It isn't sexy. It isn't good. It just is. From the official website, the synopsis might lead you to believe this would be a fun movie to watch:
Three gorgeous but deadly hired killers, Beretta, Blondie and Snowball, hole up in a small beachside community to keep a low profile. But this town has a dark secret. The local old sea baron, Joseph, tries desperately to warn them to never go into the water. But these crazy vixens listen to no one, especially no crazy assed old fool. So the Kraken awakes! Now, along with Joseph and his beautiful grand daughter, Hannah, they must fight for their lives against this furious creature of the deep as the sea rises in a tidalwave of blood.
The problem is that it just isn't.
El Monstro del Mar! begins in black and white with three tattooed ladies stranded on the side of the road. Two men in a car come along thinking they are going to get themselves a piece, but they get killed instead. With their deaths the movie moves into color, first the blood gushing from their slashed throats and then the rest. The girls hide the bodies, clean up the car, and then take the men's car instead. I'm sure there is a logic to that, in some other world where all this makes sense.
Snowball apparently knows a guy who has a seasside home that he doesn't use and they've come to partake of it. Home is not really the right word for it. It's more like a row of storage buildings along a decaying dock. Blondie and Snowball go swimming. Their next door neighbor is an old coot in a wheelchair who yells at them to stay out of the water. And he's got a seventeen year old granddaughter whose parents died mysteriously in the water.
Our three ladies party. They play loud music and the old man sends his granddaughter over to tell them to turn it down. Instead she stays to party with them. I suppose she's never seen women who aren't under the thumb of a crazy old man like she is. The four girls drink and dance and snort cocaine. Blondie and Snowball go swimming again, while Beretta tells Hannah that she needs to take control of her own life. The girls go back in to continue the party, but Snowball lays down on the dock and passes out.
Meanwhile, a bunch of fishermen are talking about the old man and his crazy story of how a sea monster killed Hannah's parents. They laugh it off, and then the sea monster kills them all.
The next morning, Hannah does a walk of shame back home, feeling ill from the previous night's imbibing. Beretta and Blondie can't find Snowball, and they go off searching. The old man talks to a couple fishermen who are about to head out in a boat to fish.
The vixens start finding body parts, which doesn't really phase them. They find Snowball's necklace outside a cave. Inside they find her, just in time for her to ramble about the monster and then die. Beretta claims vengence.
The fishermen in the boat get killed. Hannah and her grandfather talk about how his legs were torn up by the sea monster and how he hid Hannah in the cellar the last time, when her parents died. The other ladies show up and then the monster attacks.
Tentacle sock puppets burst through the walls. A giant eye appears at the window and the door is ripped open to reveal a gaping maw. Hannah and the old man head to the cellar while Beretta and Blondie fight the sea monster with knives. Repeatedly throughout the final fight, we are treated to an outside shot, probably intended to show us how big the monster is, but instead just looks like a giant squid having sex with a building. The girls are just about to lose when Hannah decides she can't hide anymore.
Armed with grandpa's double barrel shotgun, she exits the cellar and starts shooting... at the hand puppet tentacles! Blondie gets her head ripped off and Beretta gets a trident off the wall which she uses... to fight the hand puppet tentacles! Eventually, both girls are struck by the thought that you've been screaming at the screen the entire fight and Beretta puts the trident into the eye while Hannah shoots the sea monster in the mouth.
It goes back into the sea.
Hannah declares that she's going to stay and defend her home for when it returns. Beretta promises that she'll be back, and she'll bring friends.
Do you think I just ruined the entire movie for you? I didn't. If you want to see it, you will. I didn't even mention the flashback unexplored side plot about the three vixens having killed a bunch of guys with chainsaws for money. But I probably just saved many people 75 minutes of their time. El Monstro del Mar! is a horrible, atrocious film, made worse by the fact that it lacks the gratuitous nudity usually found in films like this. The only reason this movie doesn't get a big fat F is that I decided I couldn't watch this movie alone and invited people over. We relentlessly made fun of the film from start to finish, and even through the credits. This is the only way I can recommend watching this film.
My review copy only had the movie, no extras - not even a menu, so I can't speak on anything the official release might contain. Hopefully something that makes the DVD worth having.
And now, I inflict the trailer upon you!
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